Hey Bitches!

It's far from perfect, or what I originally envisioned, but this is the most successful watercolour painting I've ever done.

It turns out the key to watercolour painting...is...WATER.

Hey Bitches!

So.  I have to tell you about my greatest ever accomplishment.

Last Thursday night/Friday morning (2am), I was going to bed and before I went I wanted to spray this drawing with fixative so I could paint it the next day.  I went out the front door and since the fixative stinks so bad I closed the door and locked my fat ass out.  Fuck!  I'm standing there with a spray can and a fucking drawing, can't get in the house.

I tried knocking on the door...nothing happened.  I went around back and tried knocking on the backdoor...nothing happened.  I was able to open the kitchen window and tried yelling in there...nothing happened.  I told Demon and Rowan to get my keys but since I didn't train them well enough they were useless!  

I got the kitchen window open so maybe I could get the basement window open!  I know I can fit through the basement window, unlike the little 16 inch kitchen window.  So I walk around back to the front of the building but the basement window is locked tight.  This is where I must mention that I spent almost an hour trying to break in and of all the people in the three apartment buildings and at least ten houses facing our house, no one called the cops.   Safe fucking neighbourhood, right?

I can not get in through the front of the house, so I go to the back yard again.  How the fuck do I get that bitch to wake up and let me in?  

I threw some rocks at the bedroom window.  It was so dark I could only find three and once I tossed them I couldn't even find them again.

I got a fucking lawn chair, got up on it, and tried to reach that fucking window with a broom like an idiot.  Couldn't reach, and tapping on the side of the building with the broom did exactly fuck all.

So, Bitches!  At this point I'm either climbing through the kitchen window or sleeping on the bench.  I've added a photo of the window.

Of course I get my head and arms in first, that was tough.  Then I got my boobs in, yikes!  Got my fat gut in, and that was challenge, but the fun part was just starting.  

I got so far in that I no longer had any footing, and had to get myself in by pitching my body weight forward, and all my weight was on my diaphragm.  Bitches, I could not breathe.

I thought, "This is it.  This is how I die."  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  The end of uglyartwork, Bitches!

Oh, and also the tight squeeze had pulled my pants down, exposing my bright white granny panties.

I think that might have saved me, because at this point, if I didn't get in the window I would have died there.  Then eventually the EMT's would show up to remove my carcass from the window and find my fat ass pointing up at the sky in my granny panties with my pants down, and THAT very thought made me wiggle like the stuck pig that I was and I GOT THROUGH THAT FUCKING WINDOW!  Huzzah, Bitches!

Can you fucking imagine that headline?  

Hey Bitches.

Today I'm sharing one of my favourite cemetery photos.

I guess that's all I have to say, bitches.  Just wanted to show off my photo.

Hey Bitches!

I figured if I painted the whole fucking thing, she can't possibly complain, right?  Right?

I'll let you know, she'll still find something that's not good enough, I'm sure.

Hey Bitches.

Even at my advanced age of 29, I found I can still learn new things.  Today I learned about the Donkey Punch.

Fascinating shit.  Okay, I shall explain:

The Donkey Punch is when, during anal sex, the top punches(!) the bottom in the back of the head or neck.   It supposedly causes the anal muscles to tense up.   

Before you perverted bitches get your hopes up, this act is only mythical.  Doesn't work.  Sorry.  It is dangerous and can lead to brain damage or even death, so don't try it, you guys(yes, You).

I learned about it on the evil, evil Internets!  Evil!   I should have listened to that bitch Cami about cleaning up TV and the Internets for the innocents(like me).  Sad.

Hey Bitches!  I'm not saying this to be funny, like you think I am:  Fernhill is the AWESOMEST park EVER!

I met Walter there------>

That's Walter.  

Hey Bitches!  I was at MacDonald's(I know) and there were two women in the car behind me sharing a joint.

Stay off the roads tonight bitches, it's dangerous out there!

Hey Bitches, I just wanted to show you this evil doll someone's selling on Etsy, it's super-scary.

It's head and hands are hand sculpted from polymer clay.  

Can you imagine putting this thing in your house?  Eeeeeeeekk!